InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Like the first time."

Billy Chenowith (xeroxedcotton) wrote,
@ 2009-01-09 03:01:00

My photos keep bleeding together. None of them stand out. They’re all the same, and none of them are good enough.

Trees, people, objects are no longer obscure lines and curves, but normal, geometric shapes on a piece of glossy paper. I can’t see the beauty in anything anymore. I need Brenda’s eyes. She’s always been able to see what I’m not able to.

Everything is falling through the cracks. Reality for me seems to slip into all of the places I can’t reach. Normalcy comes in pill form, but along with it comes lack of feeling. Is that what the goal is, here; to make the emotionally unstable feel no emotions at all?

My photos are nothing if I don’t connect. How do they expect me to work in this place? How the fuck do they expect me to see in a place that equips me with emotional blinders?

I need to feel to see. I need to see to feel.

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	greg_housemd 2009-01-09 02:12 am UTC (link)
	Is this supposed to be one of those cries for help? Because those tend to be more effective when I can hear them. Just a suggestion. Bitching on paper is like masturbation. Feels good, but when it's over, it's all exhaustion and tears. Vicious cycle. My office is B120. - Your Doctor. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	xeroxedcotton 2009-01-09 02:26 am UTC (link)
	Hardly. It's a general assessment of my current situation. Perhaps that's true, but at least you get momentary satisfaction out of masturbation. Since you're so wonderful with analogies, what is bitching verbally like? You make it sound so thrilling. - Your Patient (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	greg_housemd 2009-01-09 02:36 am UTC (link)
	Well, it's clear your life sucks, then. Easy there, tiger. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Learn to walk before you run. It's like naked pudding wrestling with the Olympic Russian Women's volleyball team. I didn't want to ruin the surprise. Just show up. - Your Doctor (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	xeroxedcotton 2009-01-09 02:44 am UTC (link)
	You are very perceptive. Bravo. I'd like to think I'm going at a well paced jog. I'm not fond of surprises. But I do like Russians and volleyball, so God damn, you've got me hooked. Maybe if you gave me a specific time to do so, I'd think about it. - Your patient (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	greg_housemd 2009-01-09 02:56 am UTC (link)
	You're in here, obviously, you tripped somewhere. So, let's stick to the walking analogy now. After all, I am apparently very perceptive and wonderful with analogies. If you didn't like Russians and volleyball, I'd say you were beyond help but thank God for small miracles. Any day next week after 2 PM. - Your Doctor (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

xeroxedcotton
2009-01-09 03:10 am UTC (link)

So, what are you supposed to do, help me back up? Is that your job here? Patch me up and send me on my way again, down a new, smooth and shiny path? Pave over the bumps and pot holes, put up big orange cones?

Oh, you are. You are extraordinarily sharp-minded. It’s impressive. I’m astounded. I’m in awe.

But maybe that’s just the medication talking. Hmm.

Take what you can get.

Perceptive, wonderful with analogies, and specific to boot. Wow. What a lucky guy I am, to have such a prompt Doctor who puts time aside just for me. I’m…flattered.

Monday, 2:30.

- Your Patient

(Reply to this) (Parent)

notamother
2009-01-09 10:53 am UTC (link)

The juxtaposition of pills and creative freedom is a very difficult one to balance. If you can't feel or see, you can't create, which does a fairly efficient job of ruining everything.

I don't think that a lack of feeling represents the goal here, at least not my goal. The emotionally unstable feel the most vehement, ardent things, which is why most artists of all types can be counted in their ranks. It's a beautiful thing, even if it is destructive.

Besides, making goals for therapy before we've even met? That's just bullshit.

xxDemi

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	xeroxedcotton 2009-01-09 02:07 pm UTC (link)
	I'm glad that you've caught on. An institutionalized artist is like a caged animal. A lion isn’t a lion if it doesn’t kill and maim; if it isn’t destructive. It’s just a huge fucking cat that people come to watch and point at. People want everything and everyone to be so unbelievably fucking sterile, that it makes me sick. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamother 2009-01-10 12:48 am UTC (link)
	I catch on quick. Yes, and some people are content with being sterile, certain people don't even mind the bars. But the man with the keys likes to forget that the lion is more than a huge cat. Because regardless of restriction, habitat, or location, you can't remove the ferocity that nature and compulsion and instinct create. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

xeroxedcotton
2009-01-11 04:06 am UTC (link)

Well, that’s a good characteristic for a psychiatrist to have.

If that’s the case, than what does that make you?

Are you the hunter? Perhaps your job is removing every part that makes the beast a beast, replacing it with stuffing and fluff. Perhaps you’d like to give it beads for eyes, remove its fangs, stitch its mouth shut, and file down his claws to the knuckles. Turn it into something that’s safe for others to be around.

Or maybe you just like to keep him tied down, giving the rope more and more slack when he behaves, only to choke him as you pull back when he doesn’t.

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	notamother 2009-01-11 10:50 am UTC (link)
	I don't really fit in the analogy. At least not that I can see. I don't hunt the beasts, I don't try to make them sterile, or turn them into toys. I don't tease, either, more slack here, less there, do this, do that... Perhaps you can tell me what I am after we meet, hmm? Maybe I just can't see it. (Reply to this) (Parent)